Aug 30 2013

Swimming Against the Tide

Published by at 10:08 AM under Depression,Faith,Family,Fire,Healing,Kids,Life,PTSD,Surviving

When I was considering new titles for my blog the title of this post was one of many on my mind.  I often find myself wondering if I come across as just pathetic to anyone but myself and my family and by “my family” I mean my husband and kids because there are people in my family who think we are pathetic as they throw stones at our very fragile glass house from their bomb proof lives.  However, I am working SO hard to keep chugging along trying to just keep my head up and my smile plastered on my face, but some days it just makes my face hurt from the work I have to put in to it.

For some reason, this time of year just flat sucks for us.  It shouldn’t, it should be a great time of year.  New school year for the kids who are always so excited to start their new year, new adventures, etc…  However, it seems like this is the time of year my tattoo on my forehead appears that says “kick me.”  Apparently I got drunk, passed out, and someone tattooed that on my head in invisible ink that w0uld only appear from August to September.  I hope it was one Hell of a party and that Tequila was involved.  I get so tired of hearing myself, but I honestly just dread this month.  This year I just had the idea I should crawl in a hole and pull the dirt over top of me to avoid this month entirely.  I should have, I really should have because of course high tide is working on drowning us.

If I think it’s just me, I am generally shown how wrong I am.  I am not going to go in to the details in depth because it is just maudlin and ridiculous, but I will say this…  I will not let this month beat me this time.  It will not beat my family, it will not tear  us down.  We have survived a lot worse.  Life is a bitch, but I have decided to cry it out in the mornings or late at night and then get up and face the day because after all, none of us will get out of it alive, so why let it beat me??  I am exhausted tired.  I want to stay in bed and cry all day or just pull the covers up over my head and avoid living until the middle of September, but that would be losing and dammit I am done losing.  I will humble myself and seek help where I have to and take it from whatever source offers it even thought it kills me to do so.  I will push through and I will come out the other end, just as I have been doing for the last 5 years.  Why?  Because my kids are watching and learning from me and after my breakdown and then my lung disease I promised I would not live that life of the person who gives in, because they are watching.  I keep telling myself my kids are going to be SO strong and able to overcome anything because they have seen us overcome time and again and they have learned lessons very young that are harsh but will eventually come in to their lives anyway, so maybe, just maybe there is a purpose to the dark month in our life year after year and we have just yet to truly embrace what lies behind that darkness.  I am fervently praying there will be a year in the future where the tide doesn’t rage in our lives but instead ebbs and flows gently.  Sometimes I fear there is a Tsunami coming and we haven’t seen the worst yet, but I refuse to validate that fear because that would let it beat me and I just flat refuse.  My foot is down, whether in the wet sand or dry it is firmly put down.  Even better, maybe we will all learn how to surf!  tavarua fiji nixon

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