When I was pregnant I was on bed rest and bored to tears.  I spent a boatload of time on the Yahoo! Pregnancy Chat group.  Some of the women I met there are my friends to this day, one came all the way here from Texas to be a bridesmaid in my wedding with her son (and her other 3 kids too) who has the same name as mine, had the same due date as mine, and who is a few days younger than my son because I had to be induced (I won the race Christy!).  More of them I avoided like the plague then and do now too.  Some really loved their compu-drama and MAN would they pounce on certain things, newbies were not welcome so much.  If you couldn’t spell pregnant you were best off to just avoid our room and move on because you WOULD be reduced to tears in about 3.2 seconds and it didn’t have much to do with those pregnate [sic] hormones.   I really thought I’d seen the worst we had to offer one another and I was often bummed we were running those women off rather than helping them with their basic spelling and grammar needs and thus helping the next generation as well.

Fast forward a few years and I raised exotic animals.  To say exotic animal owners and breeders are “passionate” is like saying Vin Diesel is “slightly attractive”.  (If you don’t think he’s SMOKING HOT you probably should find a new blog *cough Terra cough*, mmmmkay.)  Anyhow, more than once I was on forums and in groups where new owners would come for help and be torn to shreds.  I tried to tell them they would catch more bees with honey but they weren’t interested in the bees so much as they were being superior to everyone.else.ever.born.  Mom’s are a passionate lot don’t get me wrong, but animal people are a force to be reckoned with as well in case you were wondering.  If you ever have an animal related question, especially if it has to do with something you should probably have looked up before getting a pet, feel free to e-mail me.  I might snicker behind your back, but I’ll be nice to you to help your animal, promise.

I have to admit, I have been guilty of being nasty to people through the screen.  I can be nasty off screen too.  I have my opinions and they are strong and well set and obviously just, right.  However, I do TRY to temper it and reach out to help people who need it because if you reach out to help them, no matter how dumb the question might seem to you, you will by extension help the subject of their inquiry and if you’re a mom or an animal lover or even just passionate about the proper way to make a pizza crust, you should care more about that than about being superior, smug, or just plain old, right.  It’s hard though, DAMN it’s hard at times!!  When you see someone doing something so obviously ignorant you just can’t help but say something.  I get it.  I don’t mind it either.  Know what I mind?  Hypocrisy.  Yup, that’s where my problem comes from.  Also?  Flip flopping and not considering anyone else but you EVER.  OH, and one more thing… If you say something shitty to someone, you can’t soften the blow by adding “lol” or any variation of such.  Mostly you just look ignorant and you WILL annoy the ever living crap out of me in the process.  Thanks for NOT doing that anymore, EVER.

That brings me to Facebook Groups.  YIKES!  I am in a lot of them.  I will admit the drama is entertaining and I was sick for many months so I had to be entertained somehow and I ran out of Vampire Diaries episodes I could watch without Joe (never tell him I just outed him on that one) and old episodes of One Tree Hill on Netflix (I knew that X-Box 360 was good for something other than pissing me off when I need the trash taken out) got boring, so I ventured in to the world of Facebook Groups.  Not just Facebook groups though ya’ll.  Local Facebook groups, mom’s groups, sales groups, etc… all local.  There are some nutty ass people in my town!!  Worse yet?  I know a lot of them in some way and that’s really scary because about half of them I could have told you would be nutty now and the other half took me by surprise!  You.just.never.know.  Here’s what I do know, there are a lot of hypocrites on there and even more liars.  It’s funny to me given this is a town of 30,000 people that we have so many hypocritical liars hiding behind their screens.  Chances are one day you WILL need to go buy toilet paper and you WILL run in to that person you lied to or belittled.  What happens then?  An awkward glance?  Avoidance?  Or do you pull your britches up and stand behind the venom you spewed on that screen toward that person the other night that landed her in tears?  You might wonder how a conversation in a Facebook group can reduce someone to tears?  If you’ve spent any time online you shouldn’t wonder, but just in case I’ll tell you…  Words can be seriously misconstrued in reading typed text.  Intent can be lost.  Of course intent can be easily reinforced as well, but more often I see it being misconstrued (fortunately) I hope.  So I am going to give you a few tips for avoiding drama on locally based Facebook groups for selling items, supporting other mom’s, kids with special needs, or whatever other group might float your boat so you can avoid sinking that proverbial Titanic.  I might even follow some of my own advice next time I’m on a group.

• Do not lie about your background, profession, etc…  We all know you are too young to have a Master’s Degree in Macroeconomics because you showed no special aptitude for Macroeconomics in kindergarten (admit it, at least half of you had to look that up, I did) and you really don’t now.  If you did have a Master’s Degree in Macroeconomics from MIT with Bachelor’s in Fashion Design and a Doctorate in Interior Decorating, you wouldn’t be selling ugly, cheap, Wal-Mart signs you bought out of the clearance bin for $3.00 a week ago for $5.00 today to pay for diapers for your 2 year old (who we ALL know is a genius already).  Also?  You wouldn’t type in text speak because you would be fundamentally opposed to sounding like a complete and utter moron in any venue (I bet Sheldon Cooper doesn’t use text speak even when texting) and you wouldn’t be living here running an illegal in home daycare.  Anyone who can read your profile page (since you don’t know how to set your privacy settings) can suss you out and make you look even more ridiculous and since you have SUCH a great time blowing smoke up our asses about how great you are, even the saintliest of us probably will do just that.
• Your made up professional BS does not make me want to buy your item any more than I did 5 seconds before reading how awesome you were.  In fact I figure I’ll buy it from someone else (our out of the clearance bin myself maybe) just because you’re annoying and piss even me off.
• If you are going to throw temper tantrums in these groups that typically share members, people are going to talk about you behind your back once you’ve had a public tantrum, left the group without an Admin forcing a friend to take over, deleted the group, etc…  Especially if you are going to then blackmail those willing to step in AFTER your tantrum to give you back your group.  If they do give it back, they will leave and take half of the group with them.  You WILL be a topic of conversation in that group and probably the butt of their joke because you just looked like a complete moron who might actually be in need of some outside recreation.
• Sending spies in to a Facebook group is pathetic, stupid, and unnecessary because you can rest assured if you have reason to send a spy, you’ve been discussed in non-flattering terms.  It also makes you look just like what they’re likely to say you are which is someone who needs to step back from the screen and maybe make your kids a nice dinner that doesn’t come from a can.
• Avoid all hot button topics in Facebook groups that consist of well, anyone.  Especially if they are Mothers, Christians, Atheists, Gay, Bi-Sexual, Straight, Democrats, etc…  If you bring up abortion in a conservative group full of mothers chances are really good you’re going to piss someone off.  Chances are also good that person will be the above mentioned moron who INSISTS on ending every.single.comment with “lol” which will then piss ME off because then I am going to have to tell her to “shut up” on principle whether I agree with her or not (and usually not, just in case you’re wondering).  Also?  In almost every group there is going to be someone who has walked a mile in the shoes you are throwing stones in to.  You’re going to offend that person.  People change, people grow, people make decisions in a second that stay with them for a lifetime and are irreversible.  Consider this before you type and things will go A LOT more smoothly.
• Never, ever, EVER, EVER, is it OK to speak negatively about someone’s children.  I don’t care if they were running naked through your house swinging from your crystal chandelier.  They are angels to their parents and anyone who’s a true friend of that parent.  It’s never OK to tell that mother what you think of her children, especially if they have a reason for their aversion to clothing (like their allergic to all conceivable key ingredients in clothes) because you will look like an asshole no matter what you do.  It’s just not OK to judge someone’s child and it’s really not OK to get mad at them for something and tell them in PM what you think of that child you loved yesterday.  It’s just a sucky thing to do and really?  It just makes you look like a crazy hypocrite.  Also?  If that mother is in a group and you’re speaking in “hypothetical” she is going to figure you out and you’re still an asshole.  You’re just a MORE PUBLIC asshole.  PM’s can be copy/pasted just for your information.  So can text messages be forwarded.  Just don’t.
• If you don’t use it anymore because it’s expired, stained, torn, or in any.other.way.disgusting. DO NOT sell it on a classified site or at a second hand store.  Throw it away.  If you do sell it half used and expired?  You’re going to be talked about, people are going to never buy from you again, and probably we are going to make fun of you?  Also?  You’re pretty close to being a thief if you sell it to someone sight unseen and misrepresent the item.  In a small town it will get around and you will be black balled both on and of the computer.  Plus?  I’ll probably not shake your hand or invite you to my tea party.
• Finally, if you wouldn’t say it to their face in a real life situation… Don’t say it behind your screen, it’s a small town, you’re going to run in to them and they will have heard what you said, guaranteed (again I suggest you use your advanced degrees to look up “small town” just in case it escaped your learning process) and they will either give you the stink eye or (my personal favorite) call you out in the most inappropriate place possible and cause a scene.

Really you could have summed this post up in just one word “tact”.  I even used it as a tag just for you to be able to search it!  You’re welcome!

Tags: Facebook, Facebook Groups, Kids, Moms, Politics, Social Media, Society, Tact

Not sure who to credit for this photo, I found it on Google.

So I know now that it’s fixed you are all expecting an eloquently worded and extremely important post from me.  Sorry!  I lost my drafts, but I did retain everything else so that’s something right??  Apparently WordPress convinced itself it wasn’t updated when it really was.  Huh, thank you to Robert R. at  Bluehost for going WAY above and beyond and spending over an hour fixing it while I panicked at the 404 error I somehow caused!!  If you don’t use Bluehost you really should!  Their customer service is phenomenal and their hosting plans are affordable.

So, I’m sure you’re all wondering what I’ve been up to.  It’s a really long story so I am going to ATTEMPT to drastically shorten it (we all know how well I do with that)…

July – we moved out of our rental because they refused to fix the constantly leaking water and I was sick of cleaning it up and even more sick of paying them really good money to live in a sopping wet house.  We had to stay with my parents as we forfeited the deposits by breaking the lease but it was WELL worth it.

Early August – Early October I got super, super, super sick (in early August).  It started as Pneumonia and didn’t want to go away.  I spent all of the time we lived with my parents, quite ill.  Thankfully my grandma is amazingly wonderful and she came to help my mom and I because I was too sick to do anything with my kids and my mom’s back just won’t allow her to help me as she’d like.  By October I’d had 9 chest X-Rays, 3 ER visits, two CT scans, and was seeing a Pulmonologist who ordered a bronchoscopy that he then proceeded to completely ignore.  We found a house to rent and moved in.  It flooded the day we moved in.  This is how things go around here.  I would have cried but I couldn’t breathe yet.  It took all I had to get out of bed to get my kids to and from school.

Mid October – Mid December our new Pulmonologist started here and disagreed with everything the other Pulmonologist said and did.  He put me on oxygen full time.  My “friends” ignored me as did the bulk of my family.  My grandma went home.  I broke every rib I have on both sides.  The original ribs broken on the left hurt so bad I didn’t know I had broken ribs on the right.  When the new Pulmonologist cancelled an appointment with me on a day I blew multiple ribs and then told the ER doctor to send me  home to see him on Monday and THEN on Monday came in, looked at me (after having ordered a bunch of tests and placing me on oxygen full time) and asked me “so what am I seeing you for today?”.  I gave up.  He then told me I had 39% lung function and COPD and if I was lucky I might get to 50% before I started to deteriorate with age until I was on a ventilator once a year in ICU.  Ummm… no.  So I went to my Primary Care Physician who’d spent a lot of the Summer out of town so wasn’t here for all of this and begged him for help.  He referred me to National Jewish in Denver.

December – Mid January I waited to see if National Jewish would see me.  Right before Christmas I got the call that they would see me at the end of January!!  I was still unable to travel for Joey’s hockey and had very little oxygen and continued to break ribs, but I had some hope for the first time in months.  I was starting to leave the house more, but it was a hassle with the oxygen and one hockey game meant I was too exhausted to even move for the next three days.  As moms do, I kept getting out of bed, getting the kids to school and from school, and that’s literally about all I did.  If they weren’t here I slept and I gained a ton of weight thanks to the steroids the doctors here swore were the answer.  But I had hope that I was going to get help in Denver.

Late January – Now I have been to Denver twice.  The first time I was at 51% lung function, found out about the multiple broken ribs, found out they were broken because my Vitamin D was 4000 units low thanks to the steroids, and found out I did NOT have COPD but rather had at one time a very nasty Pneumonia most likely caused by aspirating stomach acid that caused irreversible damage to my throat, small and large airways, and both lungs and thus caused a severe Asthma & “Lung Disease” which is a pretty term for “you screwed up your respiratory system”.  The doctors at National Jewish do NOT give up.  There is always hope.  I would never be 100% but I would not linger at 39% lung function at 34 either.  Our goal was 75%.  My follow up was the week after Easter and I am at 71%.  4% from our goal and improving every day, off of oxygen all but at night, I have dodged the very serious Osteoporosis bullet for now and just have to keep getting my Vitamin D up, my ribs have mostly healed.  I DO NOT have COPD and I will live a mostly full life and continue to improve.  They can not fix my stomach but they can give me medications to help keep the acid down and further damage to a minimum, I am taking off the insane amount of weight the steroids put on me (although the speed at which it comes off is an entirely different post), and I am cautiously hopeful.

One thing I can say is until April I was really good mentally.  Better than I’ve been since the fire actually.  I remained positive and pushed forward no matter what the doctors said, no matter the friends who dropped like flies, no matter the rumors I heard about me, no matter the things said to my children, my husband, myself.  April was a bit tougher.  First of all, I have started to reflect on all that happened these past months.  Who was there?  Who wasn’t there?  That’s a very sad question to answer.  The people I thought were my friends are not, they did not care that I was sick and in fact at least one even felt I was faking it.  I believe many believe this.  That’s their choice, but a real friend (as a real friend pointed out to me) wouldn’t have ever considered that.  I’ve also realized just where I stand with a large portion of my family.  That was harder than the friends by far.  I also had high hopes that after our visit in April they would find a fixable problem with my stomach to stop the acid, they didn’t.  I wanted a magic bullet to ensure no more damage and I didn’t get one.  That sucks.  Presently I am fighting allergies that I have to fight without the help of the shots I usually get because I can’t have any steroids, can’t risk my bones for my lungs.  It’s something I will have to balance until my Vitamin D comes up significantly.  It’s not a fun thing to balance.  I am getting there.  I am OK.  I am tired and I am sad.  I am alone outside of a select few people I have learned can be counted on outside of my own home.  That’s OK.  It’s been harder to keep the brave face when my kids see that WE are alone outside of our household and a select few people.  I am trying to teach them quality vs. quantity.  I think to teach them that. I have to truly come to grips with it myself.  I know Joe does.  I am not doing so well with it presently.  People can really suck and they can cut you deeply without ever looking back.  I have never been that type of person.  I am becoming that type of person and I don’t like that either.  I am seeking a balance.  I have decided I can’t find it at home 8 hours a day while the kids are in school or home with the kids this Summer so I applied for a job.  I think I will like the job and hope my health holds and I can handle it (oh, I also sincerely hope I GET the job because I haven’t gotten the offer yet but am hopeful as that’s my new mantra).  Two doctors have suggested I can’t and two have not said anything, I am going to make it work just as I wouldn’t accept one doctor’s death sentence I am not going to accept that I can’t do something I want to do at this point.  I am tired of sitting around by myself wallowing in the fact that I  had poor choice in friends or that they had the bad sense to throw me away because I’m a pretty damn phenomenal person and friend.  I am tired or sitting around wallowing in the fact I get tired after 15 minutes on the treadmill or elliptical.  I am telling myself that’s 15 minutes more than I could do in many months but I need more so I am reaching out in other directions.  I am healing, but I may have to seek chemical help for my depression for the first time in a long time and I am not handling that well.  I figure in the end it’s probably a big deal that it’s taken this long to get to this point, but damn I’m mad I’m here anyway.  I don’t know if any of the things above could have been avoided and I don’t know that it wasn’t necessary for each of them to come at us, but to go back on meds is not thrilling me.  My goal at this point is to make it the shortest term chemical intervention I’ve ever needed.  I figure if I can hang on through all I’ve been through in the past few months I can at least do that.  Right?  I’ve come a long way but I have a long way left to travel.  Life is never going to just be a smooth path for any of us, we must choose how we navigate that path and who we allow to navigate that path with us.  Realizing that’s our choice to make is something I have found to be not as much fun, but very necessary none the less.

Tags: Asthma, COPD, depression, Fire, Life, Lung Disease, PTSD, Surviving

A couple of weeks ago a young boy was killed during a baseball game in our town.  He was 13 years old, he was wearing a helmet but the pitched ball somehow managed to hit just inside the helmet in an unprotected area.  He was flown to the Regional Medical Center but he didn’t wake up.  His mother had to make the unimaginable decision to turn off his life support and even more difficult, she donated his organs.  The pain the family suffered is a pain no family should ever suffer.  The community rallied around his family, fundraisers cropped up all over the place.  T-Shirts were sold, Bracelets, a barbecue was held, etc…

When the information about the first fundraiser was published I had a thought, but kept it to myself.  A good friend of mine did not.  Bless her.  She had reason to express the thought and to have the thought.  I’m not sure if I do or not, but just the same it niggles at the back of my head.  This friend of mine is an amazing person, she’s a very devout Christian, and gives of herself freely to anyone in need.  So it’s important to me that you understand her a bit before I tell you what thought we both had that only she dared to put in to words.  It didn’t come from an ugly place or an angry place it came from a place of honest curiosity.

The question is this: Who decides what tragedy is worthy of a community’s charity?

My friend’s 13 year old nephew died just before Christmas in 2010.  He died after a very brave, lifelong battle with severe Cerebral Palsy.  There was no fundraiser for him.  Not one.  Despite the fact the church was filled almost to capacity with people who loved this child and his mother, the local newspaper did not cover his death.  They didn’t cover the life he led surrounded by a family who loved him so much that they made sure he was NEVER with a stranger, not once in 13 years.  They didn’t talk about how his aunt and mother received their respite care licenses so they could care for him at home, themselves.  They didn’t talk about how his aunt cared for him all night and went to college during the day for her nursing degree all while raising four children of her own, four children who had no beef at all with often having plans rescheduled or holidays not celebrated because their cousin was sick.

That, I believe is the difference.  No one covered it.  Those of us who knew and loved this child and his family didn’t bring enough attention to the death of this Angel (to steal his mother’s words), his battle was lifelong it wasn’t sudden so it wasn’t news, but let me tell you it was unexpected for those that loved him no matter how many doctors had warned he wouldn’t make it to adulthood.  It’s always unexpected and tragic, ALWAYS.

This is the world we live in.  A world in which the lack of media coverage or the lack of enough attention from outside sources determines who receives support after tragedy and who doesn’t.

I have been wondering about this for almost 3 years, I just didn’t have a way to voice my question without I felt looking bad.  Now I’ve gotten to the point, I just don’t care.  So I’m going to say it here, in my little slice of the web, everyone needs help after a tragedy.  It doesn’t matter how much insurance they have, there will be costs they didn’t anticipate.  Just because the person affected comes from a family with means, doesn’t mean they don’t need support from the community they’ve spent their entire life in, and dammit they deserve it just as much as the family new to the community who had too many people living in too small a home and had a space heater start a fire.

When we had our fire not many reached out to us.  A woman from the church I’ve been a member of for my entire life did.  My mother-in-law’s company, a company of people I’ve never met, took up a collection.  A small group of hedgehog rescuers that I’d worked closely with for 7 years took up a collection and sent a gift card.  I am eternally grateful to each and every one of those people.  I am equally grateful to my neighbors across the street who gathered up as many articles of clothing as possible for my children who had nothing but the clothes on their backs.  I am grateful to my son’s school that had a pajama day and raised some money for the kids.  I am eternally grateful most of all to my family who made sure my children had clothing and toys and to my mother who has so much junk in her kitchen she was able to help me almost fill the kitchen in our rental house.  Yet still, I am bitter, Lord help me, no matter how hard I try I can’t move past that bitterness.  I am angry that the local newspaper made us look like animal hoarders without a second thought in a big, bold article on the front page of two day’s worth of papers.  I am angry that when they printed their “retraction” they put it on the back page of the same newspaper in a 200 word blurb.  I am angry that the only other time they ever contacted us was when they wanted to do a feature story on me and my business.  When I told them I wasn’t rebuilding my “business” (and if you raise animals you know why, and why the term “business” is so offensive) I never heard back.  I am angry that the people I’ve known my entire life never even bothered to make sure we were OK.  Never reached out a hand to pull us out of the abyss.

So please, if someone you know suffers a trauma, reach out.  Yell it from the rooftops.  Offer any help that you can, get involved, because believe me they WILL need it, no matter what their circumstances are.  Please understand I don’t mean to lessen the loss suffered by the family of the boy during the baseball game.  Theirs is a loss no one should ever have to face, but many face it day after day, so please reach out to every single one of those people.

Tags: Charity, Fundraisers, Loss of Children, Tragedy, trauma

Oh how I miss these days!!

Today is the last day of school and it’s a half day.  For my oldest that’s awesome.  He’s so ready for a break.  Me?  I’m not so sure.  First of all, half days irk me because I could totally sleep in on these days rather than drive his ungrateful butt to school after the morning all out war routine just to come home and try to recover from the trauma that mornings with my hyperactive, unable to fall asleep before 10 PM no matter what time we send him to bed, son and then realize if I don’t take a shower I won’t get one because it’s almost time to trek back to the school to retrieve “my precious”.  Today though?  I realize that’s the last of those treks I’ll be making for the next 3 months and ohmygosh I am SO not ready to face the Summer with this person who looks like my son for the most part but seems to actually more closely resemble Freddy Kruger on his best days.

At some point in the past few months my very sweet, always worried about hurting someone else’s feelings, very bright, very loving, eleven year old woke up a full blown almost teenager.  I am NOT loving this.  I swear all of the sudden he woke up one day and decided to be a complete adolescent male.  It’s not just his attitude which I’ll get to, but his principal actually pointed out to me the other day just how tall he’s gotten this year.  How did I not notice this?  In my defense when we moved I had to buy him new pants because we stupidly packed all of the clothes in to the front of the U-Haul and he couldn’t go naked for the week we were waiting for the house we rented to be ready, apparently I missed the part where I had to buy three size longer pants?  Also?  My son has gone from a wholesome, clean cut, kiddo to a “I’m not showering this week because it will wash off my hard won man funk and render my Axe deodorant unnecessary and the “ladies love my Axe” and toothbrushes are for sissy’s and why yes my hair is greasy and longer than yours so shut up about it already and do NOT equate me to “The Bieb” because I WILL rip your head off if you do and my dragon breath is getting close to the point where I can actually spit fire so I’m not just making idle threats ball of raging hormones”.  The most baffling part of this transition?  The girls are calling.  I mean A LOT of them, and you all know how much I love the girls he associates with.  Apparently spitting fire and smelling like dirty socks and being able to wring the grease from your WAY too long hair is (picture Paris Hilton here) “HOT”.

His seemingly instant entrance to adolescence is of course complicated by the fact he has Tourettes and ADHD and now we have full blown rages.  He’s never had those before.  I’ve dealt with them before in another boy I love deeply, younger and just as angry for other reasons, but not in MY son.  We knew this was coming.  He’s almost twelve and we’re not stupid.  Also?  His neurologist warned us and we have seen his friends make this transition from sweet, lovely, boy child in to fire breathing dragon over the past few months right along with him and they don’t have the complications of “a diagnosis”.  The problem is, I am not ready.  I don’t know how to deal with this which is SO stupid because I’ve totally been here with the rages.  It’s just when the hatred was directed at me previously it wasn’t coming from a child I carried for 9 months and nurtured, dammit.  Does he not realize what I went through to bring him in to this world?  *Insert my deep down in my belly sigh here*.

When his neurologist warned us just shy of a year ago that puberty and Tourettes is a BAD mix, I actually asked him flat out “how do we know what’s Tourettes and what’s just being an adolescent boy?”.  I knew I was screwed when he kind of got this sly smile on his face, sighed, and said “good luck” as he sent us on our way out of his office as fast as he could without actually having to answer that question.  Now I get it.  He could have warned me a little more clearly.  He could have said “in just shy of a year’s time your son is going to hate everyone that resides in your house”.  I mean, seriously?  He has how many years of medical school under his belt?  He could have given me a concise timeline so I’d be prepared when this started at the beginning of May.  Instead I was blindsided and not in the good way.

So now my challenge becomes, what to do with him this Summer?  He’s not fond of most Summer sports and there’s no hockey to skate his aggression out with.  They take the ice down at the end of April which I’m certain now is solely to torture me.  Swimming just isn’t exhausting enough I don’t think.  Pawning him off on friends and relatives won’t work because then I have to explain to them that I am actually still in the running for the “Mother of the Year Award” despite what they just experienced.

Also?  He gets angry SO fast and his little sister is often the cause of his rage.  She dared to enter his cave and touch something.  I don’t know how he knew because frankly that Lego Death Star looks to me like it still has eleventy billion pieces in tact, so how can you tell ONE is missing?  Also?  Aren’t Legos meant to be put together and taken apart?  Oh, not that one because it has a 300 page spiral bound instruction manual that you dutifully spent an entire two days locked in your cave turning the pages on?  Well sh*t.  Then I guess maybe she should have not touched it, but somehow I don’t think standing at the top of the stairs screaming at her in non-native tongues is going to get you anywhere and NO, it’s not my fault because son, I HAVE to pee at some point during the day or it could end badly and plus?  The neighbors love that so please do that some more, like every 5 minutes for the next three hours until your dad gets home if you could, that would be awesome.  Also, it’s not a wine and Xanax cocktail in my cup, it’s Ice Tea, I swear and stopjudgingme because it’s Happy Hour on the East Coast whether you like it or not.

So I am reaching out to you dear internets.  WHAT do I do with him for the next three months?  Football camp only lasts two weeks and is like two hours an evening, and the school’s Summer Enrichment program for gifted kids only lasts I think 4 weeks and goes for half a day, and that leaves a WHOLE lot of time for him to stand at the top of the stairs and scream at whoever dared to set him off, and frankly my poor neighbors put their house up for sale and I am NOT sure it’s not because of us.  OK, it’s probably not, but if it was I totally can’t blame them because I want to go with them, please!  Help me!?  Also, if you see the boy pictured above, could you tell him his mommy really misses him and it would be lovely if he could return in place of the Freddy Kruger clone left behind in his place?  That would be awesome-sauce!

Tags: ADHD, Adolescence, Rages, Summer Vacation, Tourettes

An actual Facebook post by one of my son's tween friends.

*So first I have to say I am too cheap for Photo Shop so I had to use MS Paint to block out identifying information in this Facebook conversation as well as the profanity.  That’s why it’s sucktastic.  Sorry!  Alternatively if you’re totally impressed with my ability to use MS Paint I could totally teach you, for a nominal fee *

A week or so ago I wrote about the tween girls my son goes to school with and how vicious they are with each other on Facebook.  Apparently it’s not just the girls.  This is a conversation one of my son’s male tween friends posted tonight.  Nice right?

So that prompted me to want to post about the 13 and over age limit on Facebook and the debates circling with regards to tweens on Facebook.  Recently Mark Zuckerberg commented on how he believes pre-teens belong on Facebook and how he’s going to “fight for their right” to be allowed on the site. The biggest issue with this is that it’s not his call.  For Facebook to knowingly allow anyone under 13 on to Facebook would violate “The Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act” which is meant to prevent children under the age of 13 from using sites with open, unmonitored chat channels where they might fall victim to predators, and sites that collect personal information and publish it for all to see which puts them at risk of large fines and sanctions.  I’m not sure what Mr. Zuckerberg’s move here is but his deciding to fight for the rights of tweens comes on the heels of the report released by Consumer Reports that found that almost 40% of the minors on Facebook are actually under 13.

Here’s where I both confess and play Devil’s Advocate for just a second.  My son has a Facebook page.  He’s currently not allowed to access it for reasons I won’t go in to here, but he does have one and even knowing what goes on there I have yet to disable it.  Yes I knew it was illegal maybe not on the up and up when I let him create it but I had my reasons.

• A teenage relative of mine who was actually old enough was forbidden by her mother to create a Facebook page, just created one at her friend’s house and hid it from her mother and she actually had other family members who helped her do so.  I would prefer the control over what my son does and not having to wonder if he’s sneaking around behind my back.
• My son, is the same child who a few years ago at around age 7 broke in to my E-Bay account and spent $90 on something he could have purchased in the store for $15.  He guessed my password people.  He was supposed to be playing Wizard 101 (which by the way if you have a tech savvy kid who wants to use the computer for an RPG but you won’t allow on most RPG sites, is an awesome choice, it’s fully locked down with a lot of parental control options and is actually fun and challenging, it’s a good alternative to almost every X-Box, Wii, or Playstation game ever created that allow them to mindlessly blow things up or drive cars, or jump on mushrooms with little men.  They actually have to think about what their next move will be and strategically plot how to finish the quests.  It’s awesome, and they so DON’T pay me to say that.).  Ever since then I change my passwords every 6 months and I installed a key logging software that I use to monitor his online activity.  So my point is, if he wanted one he would open one somewhere, somehow, so again I’d rather have that control.
• At the time his was created last Spring it was created to keep in touch with out of town relatives and his hockey team in the off season.  It would be awesome if someone created a fully secure social networking site like Facebook where kids his age could do stuff like that, but it’s an endeavor I’m so not taking on.
• He wanted to play Farmville with his grandmothers.

When I signed him up for his account I found that Facebook actually does have some serious safeguards in place for accounts held by those under 18, because legally at 13 they can have a page but that doesn’t mean they are ready for all that’s available or open to them on Facebook and what 13-18 year old girl doesn’t need some protection from creeping perverts?  So there are things they do with “minor accounts” that they don’t do with adult accounts.  That made me feel somewhat better about our decision though I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t one I struggled with long before the recent drama I’ve seen in these pre-pubescent hormone factories that he calls friends.

In the instance in the picture above it appears as though one boy’s best friend stole his “girlfriend” while he’s on vacation with his dad.  Most of you I am guessing will look at that and see a really good indication of how an 11-12 year old isn’t mature enough for a Social Networking site.  To that I would say, I both agree and disagree.  I have multiple younger relatives over the age of 13 on Facebook and the level of maturity and the types of postings you see in them really varies.  There are days I go “WHUCK?” and shake my head at kids these days and there are days they act like actual kids and not packs of rabid wolves.  What I see more glaringly is the same problem I see with the same aged girls I posted about.  Their parents are on their Friend lists and they let this go on!  In this instance the mother of the boy being talked to/about/around stepped up because that’s the kind of mother she is, and for the most part most of my son’s friend’s parents are the same.  I weed out those that aren’t, because if they have free reign to be complete buttheads then no matter how much I monitor Joey’s activity he’s going to be exposed to that.  Likewise, that boy won’t be coming over to hang out any time in the near future, although I’m slightly ashamed to admit that because he really doesn’t have the most awesome home life and if  I thought for a second I could help him by allowing him to hang out over here I would do so, but more likely with this boy I’d see the same issues the other mother is seeing and she has tried to shield him from the drama at home until quite recently when she decided he’s just not a good influence on her boys either.  It’s a sad thing when you have to make that decision about an 11 year old who’s troubled because of circumstances out of his control (but that’s another post entirely).

Recently a school resource officer in our community gave a presentation at the Junior High School regarding cyber bullying and he stated that most of the bullying he sees in the schools begins on Facebook or MySpace and spills over in to the schools themselves.

While that may be true I have to say, I remember plenty of bullying when I was that age and the only difference between then and now is that the kids wrote notes with actual pens or called a land line phone to yell at one another and threaten rather than using a cell phone to text their threats or Facebook to start an argument.  So the big question there would be, does a social networking site cause more bullying or is it just a good scapegoat for a problem that already existed in certain age groups and has for a LONG time?  Does anyone remember Nelly from “Little House on the Prairie”?  Hello, she was the CLASSIC example of what I would assume a bully was at that time.  Many classically written books are full of varying degrees of bullying or kids fighting with one another.  The only difference between then and now is that back then the kids threw rocks at each other or beat the snot out of one another and then got up, shook hands and went their separate ways, where today they pull an actual weapon, and kids back then didn’t appear to have the self esteem issues our generation and our children’s generation seem to have.

We live in a time where kids set up fights after school and multiple onlooking kids will video the fights with their cell phones and then upload them to You Tube.  I saw many a fist fight or yelling match in my school growing up, we just didn’t have the means to video it or the desire to do so, although most of us didn’t shy away from meeting out behind the school to watch the after school fight.  I see more and more the pack mentality in these kids where when I was young we just watched the drama of the day and then went on home, and the propensity for violence in today’s youth is frightening because again I say they take it to the extreme and it’s not unusual for a weapon to be brandished and utilized.

While my son’s page hangs in the balance as I lean more and more toward the reasons why it’s not a good idea for him to have that page, I still struggle with it.  Am I teaching him that it’s OK to lie to get what he wants by fudging his age and birth date?  Quite possibly and that’s an aspect I hadn’t considered until someone brought it up on another site, which is really ridiculous because I’m not actually despite what that might lead you to believe, a complete moron.  Is the problem that the kids under 13 aren’t mature enough for a social networking site?  Or is it pointing to a much bigger problem, one in which the parents need to take responsibility for what their kids are doing on the computer and how they are representing themselves in the social arena that we should be looking at?  Because obviously the one mother in the above conversation has a WAY more serious issue with both of her boys than whether or not one of them is too young to be on Facebook, don’t you agree?

Tags: Facebook, Kids on Facebook, Social Networking, Tweens, Underage kids on Facebook