My friends and family always tell me I could write a book based on the things I’ve been through in my life.  I always just tell them no one would read it.  However, I was laying in bed the other night just thinking about all that we’ve dealt with after my grandma had again said just that during a conversation that day and I was in my head thinking of the chapters of that book just for the heck of it.  Here’s what I came up with.

• Chapter 1 – Childhood  - I had a normal, awesome childhood, truly
• Chapter 2- Teen Angst – I had PLENTY of this to go around and it lasted for a while.  I put my parents through Hell and was not fun to be in the same house with.
• Chapter 3 – Marriage, Instant Family, Divorce – I found it sad I could put that whole portion of my life in to one chapter, but really it was.
• Chapter 4 – New Beginnings –  After my divorce so much happened.  It would be a long chapter but it would all fit nicely in there.
• Chapter 5 – Motherhood & A New Chance at Family – I have to write about the happiest time I can think of in my life, when Joey came along, when I got re-married, when I naively thought life was finally going to go smoothly and we were going to be happy forever and I probably would have told you my book would stop there and that would explain why it would be the worst.book.ever.
• Chapter 6 – Health Crisis – This is where Joey spent the first 4 years of his life sick over and over and over and Joe switched jobs and worked a lot.  It was exhausting.
• Chapter 7 – Infertility – Pretty self explanatory chapter but it would be a long one too because infertility is a kind of Hell that can’t be quickly summed up
• Chapter 8 – Adoption – This would be both a fun and emotional chapter because it’s such an amazing bundle of things all wrapped in to one BIG event that will change your life forever.  It has ups and downs but if you’re lucky like we were the end result is AMAZING.
• Chapter 9 – Single Motherhood – This would be where Joe was working overseas and I had a first grader with what we didn’t know were two disabilities and a new baby and a home business all at once.  There were days I rocked it and nights I cried myself to sleep.
• Chapter 10 – Fire – That one word is so hard to type but while at the time I thought the fire itself would be the worst part I had no idea that it would continue to rob us of so much and almost 5 years later still be controlling us.
• Chapter 11 – Insurance Companies SUCK – Again self explanatory.  Nothing is worse than having your world crash down around you and then finding out the people you paid for years to protect you, do not have your best interests at heart and are in fact a business made up of people who will do everything possible to make it more difficult for you.
• Chapter 12 – More New Beginnings – I really thought when the settlement came through we were going to be able to truly start over and move on.
• Chapter 13 – PTSD – This could fit in anywhere after the fire and would be a chapter without a fulfilling ending for my readers I’m afraid, as it has not ended and to be honest there is no end in sight
• Chapter 14 – People Suck – This chapter also spans most of the book and is ongoing.  I would probably come up with a better name for it, but today it’s what works.  I have learned that people look out for themselves first and WILL take advantage of any situation they can to their advantage and potentially your detriment.
• Chapter 15 – Tourettes – Another long chapter filled with SO many answers.  What makes me so angry and sad is that this should have been WAY up in the chapter list because that simple one word diagnosis would have made such a difference in Joey’s life.
• Chapter 16 – Moving, Moving Again, and Moving Again – We’ve moved 6 times in just shy of 5 years and it SUCKS every.single.time.
• Chapter 17 – A Day Late and a Dollar Short – Again this could just be a theme throughout the book as we always seem to struggle no matter what we do or how hard we work.  Some of it has been poor decisions and just making those financial mistakes people make but a lot of it has been just sheer crap luck and a house that could literally have been the house in the movie “The Money Pit”
• Chapter 18 – Chronic Illness – When you have PTSD and you are climbing out of the pit, the last thing you need is to be hit with what will turn out to be a chronic illness but, that’s me for you!  Lung Disease is a laugh a minute.
• Chapter 19 – A Traumatized Child – This chapter would probably kill me to write, but it’s our reality.  I have a very damaged 6 year old because she watched her house burn down and has moved so many times she has no idea if she will wake up in the same bedroom tomorrow so she sleeps in my bed.
• Chapter 20 – Teen Angst the Revenge – My amazingly wonderful son is me at his age and just for kicks we’ve thrown Tourettes, ADHD, and a significant lack of impulse control in to the mix.  It’s so much fun.  Mom’s can actually curse you when they are mad at you.  Mine did.
• Chapter 21 – Mortality – This is where you realize your parents and grandparents are mortal and life is fragile and they can be taken from you at any possible second.
• Chapter 22 – The Big “D” – That’s tomorrow’s post.
• Chapter 23 – What Next? – This would be the final chapter in this book.  It would probably be a series because honestly, the sky continues to fall around us on a daily basis.  So, if I was actually a decent writer it would be a series with a cliffhanger.

So, there’s my chapter list.  Not a book a lot of people would buy huh?  I don’t have any words of wisdom to impart.  I don’t have a big cathartic event that brought us out of a life that insists on kicking us around repeatedly.  It won’t be a Devotional and I certainly won’t be doing book tours to motivate people and prove to them you can overcome anything, because the simple truth is, I haven’t and I don’t know that I can. I’m almost 36 and I can’t overcome it and it continues to steamroll over us, so what would I title this “book” and who would buy it??  Needless to say, I won’t be writing it any time soon.  This blog that I use to pour my tears in to, is the closest thing there will ever be, and I highly doubt anyone is ever going to want to turn this horror show in to a bound piece of literature that will grace shelves of bookstores and libraries.

Tags: Adoption, depression, Family, Finances, Infertility, Life, PTSD, teens, Tourettes, trauma

Photo credit to: https://www.facebook.com/ZenDads

So first off, my blog is fixed AGAIN!!  YAY!  Bluehost is awesome at fixing what I break!!  I have so much to say…  I have a post I want to put up about where I’ve been but it’s just not in me to type it out today.  So instead…

I live across the street from a great park.  It’s probably one of the newer, nicer parks in town so we get A LOT of people over there.  I can see the park from my front window in my living room which is AWESOMESAUCE for my 6 year old!!  Who needs a swing set??  However, I am a total Mrs. Kravitz.  I love to people watch and I am not gonna lie, I am a little nosy and… OK,  judgmental.  I’m also a lot curious and a little creative so I make up scenarios in my head when I people watch.  I have seen SO much I can’t fit it in to one post, so I decided to break it up in to a series.  You’re welcome.  So, without further adieu, here’s Chapter 1…

A few weeks ago it was niceish outside.  We’ve had a mild Winter so really it’s been fairly nice out for months, but it actually hit the 50′s before we went from our non-existent Winter to Summer.  One theme I have consistently noticed at our park is what I like to call the “Dad’s Weekend” group.  This group varies greatly actually and I could probably fill 12 posts with all I’ve seen from this group.  I’m not going to though, I’m going to give my favorite example and it’s not my favorite because of my initial stance on it, but because of what I learned that day.

I should back up a little and tell you we have a Junior hockey player living with us.  He’s 20 and from Atlanta, so a big city boy in the small town.  He’s a great kid and I love him, but what I love most about him is his world view.  It is SO different from mine!!  Where I see “creeper” walking past the park checking out little  kids, he sees someone down on their luck without a car on their way home from work.  Maybe it’s the small town vs. big city upbringing, maybe it’s circumstances in his own life vs. mine, or maybe he is just that much a better person than me, but either way, I learn so much from him all of the time.

So on this afternoon it was a weekday and probably around 4:00 a gentleman in a business suit and a fairly expensive car pulls up to the park talking on his cell phone.  Just that day I had seen a Facebook Meme about turning your phone off at the park, school, etc… and enjoying the time spent there with your kids while they are still young enough to enjoy it.  That Meme resonated with me because I have a teenager now and I have no idea when I blinked and allowed him to grow up without me being ready!!  Another post too…  So, I  had that in my mind when he pulled up.  He parked at the curb and two small boys tumbled out of his car and he pulled out his notebook and went to work on it in the driver’s seat, never putting down his cell phone.  I think he looked up 3 whole times in the hour they were over there and one of those times it was because his smallest went to the car to ask him something.  Pretty soon a woman I assume was the boys’ mother showed up, glanced at him, shook her head, and left with the boys without a word between the adults.  This pretty well confirmed my theory he fit in the “Dad’s Weekend” group.  It also made me incredibly sad for those boys who had a little over an hour with their dad who couldn’t be bothered to look up more than three times at them.  So, I said as much to my son and my billet son (that’s what we call kids living with us while they play a sport) and my billet son said “well, you can look at it in a sad way like that, OR you can look at it in a different way.”  I was a little incredulous.  What other way is there to look at this sad situation??  So he went on to explain “if those boys had been with their dad and it wasn’t 50 degrees out, where do you think they would have been?  His office?  His home watching TV or playing video games while he ignored them?  At least they got to be outside in the fresh air and enjoy the park, even if they didn’t get the attention from their dad.  They had a good time with one another and were outside moving around.”  I was a little shocked and then a lot impressed with this young man I have the privilege of hosting.

Because you see, he was right.  I am not saying I was 100% OK with the situation still,  I still felt icky and gave my kids extra hugs and “I love you’s” all around and I sure would have preferred he put his business on hold for the short time he was with his sons because life is so cruel and they can be there one moment and not the next.  I also thanked God for the man he brought in to my life to be my partner in parenting because I know he would not have done that.  However, somewhere in me I realized my billet was right and that those boys probably don’t have the greatest of role models in their dad, but at least they weren’t cooped up inside being ignored and got to have a good time playing at the park with one another and they can hang on to that the next time they need a good memory to draw on.  I have since seen he and the boys several times and it’s always the same, but those boys always have such a good time, I have begun to just pray that those moments they treasure as building their bond as brothers and that they can see that time outside for what it is rather than what it’s not.  Still, I have so much hope that as the Summer (since we apparently skipped Spring) wears on, he will at least just once, unplug and play with his boys.

Tags: Children, Divorce, Kids, parenting, Play Dates, Single Dads, Single Parenting

I am reflective this week, you’re warned.  You’re welcome.  Yesterday I was pulling my hair out and stressed out beyond belief because that baby up there and his little sister have had me hopping for the last two weeks.  Non stop go, go, go…  I was tired and stressed and ready to be done with the running from one school to the other and one conference to the other.  Then it happened…

Yesterday?  That baby graduated from 6th grade.  He goes to middle school next year (7, 8, 9 here for those who start at 6th grade) and he’s not a baby any more.  He’s a full on tween running head long in to teenager.  His voice is changing, he stinks like a teenage boy, and he’s not that baby any more.  Where did the time go??  Yet I was still frazzled and a little hurried and a little annoyed with all of the running because there were other things I had to do, and then I realized…  I don’t HAVE anything else I HAVE to do.  I HAVE to be right there with him.  I HAVE to run from his graduation straight to his sister’s school to grab her to take her to dance and I HAVE to then come home, enjoy dinner with my kids and my husband, give baths, snuggles that only one of them wants anymore, and then put them to bed so I can start today out with my son going off to a field trip in another state with his 6th grade class and then go to his sister’s talent show (that she backed out of because she’s got somewhat of a crippling shyness, but it’s all about the solidarity) and then pick them both up and go to my baby cousin’s graduation party.  As I sat in the dance studio last night waiting for Elizabeth’s class to finish up I started reflecting on something my grandma said at Joey’s graduation.  She said “I miss this, this running all of the time to everything going on”.  Two things struck me just then.

#1.  She’s right!  Eventually I won’t have anywhere to run.  What will I do then??

#2. They were the only great grandparents there which is both awesome and sad.

Awesome because they never miss anything the kids have going on or one of us has going on unless it conflicts with something another of us has going on.  Sad because other kids there either don’t have great grandparents in their lives anymore or never did, don’t tell them about things like graduation, have great grandparents unable to physically attend things like graduation, or have great grandparents who don’t attend their graduations from the 6th grade.  That’s another post for another time, but I had to touch on it so you could understand why I am reflecting.

So, for two weeks I have been slowly wishing the time away, ready for school to be over so I can stop running to two schools all of the time, ready for a Summer off from the things we have to do and then I realized I’ve probably been wishing that time away for even longer than two weeks but definitely in the last two weeks I have been, and in doing so I was rushing time that I will never get back.  Some day I will be out of places to go, hockey practices to run to, dance lessons to run to, school programs to run to, and graduations to run to.  Some day it will be just Joe and I and we’ll be looking for ways to fill our time because our kids will be too busy living their own lives and too (God willing) able to do so, to need us to run them.  In just a little over 2 years that baby up there will be getting his learner’s permit and in a little over 3 years he will be getting his driver’s license and driving himself closer and closer to that point when he no longer needs me to run and then what will I do?  I can’t answer that question today.  I can tell you this, I am going to hold on tighter for as long as I can, and slow down (metaphorically speaking) and enjoy the running because the time is fast approaching that I won’t have anywhere to run and that thought scares me to death.  They label it now, we have helicopter parenting vs. free range parenting and so on…  In the end it’s all just parenting and while I probably fall in to the helicopter category much more than I do the free range category, so did my grandmother and my mother and they now sit next to me with nowhere to run most days and I didn’t realize they were pining for those days of running and wanting to pull their hair out when they couldn’t be two places at once.  If that’s what it means to want to hold on a little tighter a little longer and enjoy the run then you can call me whatever you want to call me, but I hope when it’s all said and done I will feel content that I ran enough to broaden their horizons and while I held on a little tighter, a little longer, I was also letting go so they could become the independent people I see them becoming each day, but they will still be calling me to invite me to their child’s 6th grade graduation and while they’re rushing and frazzled with all of the running… I can tell them to slow down and enjoy it while it lasts because it goes by in the blink of an eye and you don’t want to miss a single minute of the ride.

For the record, I had nothing to do with this picture. He chose the outfit.

Congratulations Bubba we couldn’t be more proud to call you our son and to spend our time running all over the place with you!!

Tags: Family, Kids, Life, Love, Time, Tweens

When I was pregnant I was on bed rest and bored to tears.  I spent a boatload of time on the Yahoo! Pregnancy Chat group.  Some of the women I met there are my friends to this day, one came all the way here from Texas to be a bridesmaid in my wedding with her son (and her other 3 kids too) who has the same name as mine, had the same due date as mine, and who is a few days younger than my son because I had to be induced (I won the race Christy!).  More of them I avoided like the plague then and do now too.  Some really loved their compu-drama and MAN would they pounce on certain things, newbies were not welcome so much.  If you couldn’t spell pregnant you were best off to just avoid our room and move on because you WOULD be reduced to tears in about 3.2 seconds and it didn’t have much to do with those pregnate [sic] hormones.   I really thought I’d seen the worst we had to offer one another and I was often bummed we were running those women off rather than helping them with their basic spelling and grammar needs and thus helping the next generation as well.

Fast forward a few years and I raised exotic animals.  To say exotic animal owners and breeders are “passionate” is like saying Vin Diesel is “slightly attractive”.  (If you don’t think he’s SMOKING HOT you probably should find a new blog *cough Terra cough*, mmmmkay.)  Anyhow, more than once I was on forums and in groups where new owners would come for help and be torn to shreds.  I tried to tell them they would catch more bees with honey but they weren’t interested in the bees so much as they were being superior to everyone.else.ever.born.  Mom’s are a passionate lot don’t get me wrong, but animal people are a force to be reckoned with as well in case you were wondering.  If you ever have an animal related question, especially if it has to do with something you should probably have looked up before getting a pet, feel free to e-mail me.  I might snicker behind your back, but I’ll be nice to you to help your animal, promise.

I have to admit, I have been guilty of being nasty to people through the screen.  I can be nasty off screen too.  I have my opinions and they are strong and well set and obviously just, right.  However, I do TRY to temper it and reach out to help people who need it because if you reach out to help them, no matter how dumb the question might seem to you, you will by extension help the subject of their inquiry and if you’re a mom or an animal lover or even just passionate about the proper way to make a pizza crust, you should care more about that than about being superior, smug, or just plain old, right.  It’s hard though, DAMN it’s hard at times!!  When you see someone doing something so obviously ignorant you just can’t help but say something.  I get it.  I don’t mind it either.  Know what I mind?  Hypocrisy.  Yup, that’s where my problem comes from.  Also?  Flip flopping and not considering anyone else but you EVER.  OH, and one more thing… If you say something shitty to someone, you can’t soften the blow by adding “lol” or any variation of such.  Mostly you just look ignorant and you WILL annoy the ever living crap out of me in the process.  Thanks for NOT doing that anymore, EVER.

That brings me to Facebook Groups.  YIKES!  I am in a lot of them.  I will admit the drama is entertaining and I was sick for many months so I had to be entertained somehow and I ran out of Vampire Diaries episodes I could watch without Joe (never tell him I just outed him on that one) and old episodes of One Tree Hill on Netflix (I knew that X-Box 360 was good for something other than pissing me off when I need the trash taken out) got boring, so I ventured in to the world of Facebook Groups.  Not just Facebook groups though ya’ll.  Local Facebook groups, mom’s groups, sales groups, etc… all local.  There are some nutty ass people in my town!!  Worse yet?  I know a lot of them in some way and that’s really scary because about half of them I could have told you would be nutty now and the other half took me by surprise!  You.just.never.know.  Here’s what I do know, there are a lot of hypocrites on there and even more liars.  It’s funny to me given this is a town of 30,000 people that we have so many hypocritical liars hiding behind their screens.  Chances are one day you WILL need to go buy toilet paper and you WILL run in to that person you lied to or belittled.  What happens then?  An awkward glance?  Avoidance?  Or do you pull your britches up and stand behind the venom you spewed on that screen toward that person the other night that landed her in tears?  You might wonder how a conversation in a Facebook group can reduce someone to tears?  If you’ve spent any time online you shouldn’t wonder, but just in case I’ll tell you…  Words can be seriously misconstrued in reading typed text.  Intent can be lost.  Of course intent can be easily reinforced as well, but more often I see it being misconstrued (fortunately) I hope.  So I am going to give you a few tips for avoiding drama on locally based Facebook groups for selling items, supporting other mom’s, kids with special needs, or whatever other group might float your boat so you can avoid sinking that proverbial Titanic.  I might even follow some of my own advice next time I’m on a group.

• Do not lie about your background, profession, etc…  We all know you are too young to have a Master’s Degree in Macroeconomics because you showed no special aptitude for Macroeconomics in kindergarten (admit it, at least half of you had to look that up, I did) and you really don’t now.  If you did have a Master’s Degree in Macroeconomics from MIT with Bachelor’s in Fashion Design and a Doctorate in Interior Decorating, you wouldn’t be selling ugly, cheap, Wal-Mart signs you bought out of the clearance bin for $3.00 a week ago for $5.00 today to pay for diapers for your 2 year old (who we ALL know is a genius already).  Also?  You wouldn’t type in text speak because you would be fundamentally opposed to sounding like a complete and utter moron in any venue (I bet Sheldon Cooper doesn’t use text speak even when texting) and you wouldn’t be living here running an illegal in home daycare.  Anyone who can read your profile page (since you don’t know how to set your privacy settings) can suss you out and make you look even more ridiculous and since you have SUCH a great time blowing smoke up our asses about how great you are, even the saintliest of us probably will do just that.
• Your made up professional BS does not make me want to buy your item any more than I did 5 seconds before reading how awesome you were.  In fact I figure I’ll buy it from someone else (our out of the clearance bin myself maybe) just because you’re annoying and piss even me off.
• If you are going to throw temper tantrums in these groups that typically share members, people are going to talk about you behind your back once you’ve had a public tantrum, left the group without an Admin forcing a friend to take over, deleted the group, etc…  Especially if you are going to then blackmail those willing to step in AFTER your tantrum to give you back your group.  If they do give it back, they will leave and take half of the group with them.  You WILL be a topic of conversation in that group and probably the butt of their joke because you just looked like a complete moron who might actually be in need of some outside recreation.
• Sending spies in to a Facebook group is pathetic, stupid, and unnecessary because you can rest assured if you have reason to send a spy, you’ve been discussed in non-flattering terms.  It also makes you look just like what they’re likely to say you are which is someone who needs to step back from the screen and maybe make your kids a nice dinner that doesn’t come from a can.
• Avoid all hot button topics in Facebook groups that consist of well, anyone.  Especially if they are Mothers, Christians, Atheists, Gay, Bi-Sexual, Straight, Democrats, etc…  If you bring up abortion in a conservative group full of mothers chances are really good you’re going to piss someone off.  Chances are also good that person will be the above mentioned moron who INSISTS on ending every.single.comment with “lol” which will then piss ME off because then I am going to have to tell her to “shut up” on principle whether I agree with her or not (and usually not, just in case you’re wondering).  Also?  In almost every group there is going to be someone who has walked a mile in the shoes you are throwing stones in to.  You’re going to offend that person.  People change, people grow, people make decisions in a second that stay with them for a lifetime and are irreversible.  Consider this before you type and things will go A LOT more smoothly.
• Never, ever, EVER, EVER, is it OK to speak negatively about someone’s children.  I don’t care if they were running naked through your house swinging from your crystal chandelier.  They are angels to their parents and anyone who’s a true friend of that parent.  It’s never OK to tell that mother what you think of her children, especially if they have a reason for their aversion to clothing (like their allergic to all conceivable key ingredients in clothes) because you will look like an asshole no matter what you do.  It’s just not OK to judge someone’s child and it’s really not OK to get mad at them for something and tell them in PM what you think of that child you loved yesterday.  It’s just a sucky thing to do and really?  It just makes you look like a crazy hypocrite.  Also?  If that mother is in a group and you’re speaking in “hypothetical” she is going to figure you out and you’re still an asshole.  You’re just a MORE PUBLIC asshole.  PM’s can be copy/pasted just for your information.  So can text messages be forwarded.  Just don’t.
• If you don’t use it anymore because it’s expired, stained, torn, or in any.other.way.disgusting. DO NOT sell it on a classified site or at a second hand store.  Throw it away.  If you do sell it half used and expired?  You’re going to be talked about, people are going to never buy from you again, and probably we are going to make fun of you?  Also?  You’re pretty close to being a thief if you sell it to someone sight unseen and misrepresent the item.  In a small town it will get around and you will be black balled both on and of the computer.  Plus?  I’ll probably not shake your hand or invite you to my tea party.
• Finally, if you wouldn’t say it to their face in a real life situation… Don’t say it behind your screen, it’s a small town, you’re going to run in to them and they will have heard what you said, guaranteed (again I suggest you use your advanced degrees to look up “small town” just in case it escaped your learning process) and they will either give you the stink eye or (my personal favorite) call you out in the most inappropriate place possible and cause a scene.

Really you could have summed this post up in just one word “tact”.  I even used it as a tag just for you to be able to search it!  You’re welcome!

Tags: Facebook, Facebook Groups, Kids, Moms, Politics, Social Media, Society, Tact

Not sure who to credit for this photo, I found it on Google.

So I know now that it’s fixed you are all expecting an eloquently worded and extremely important post from me.  Sorry!  I lost my drafts, but I did retain everything else so that’s something right??  Apparently WordPress convinced itself it wasn’t updated when it really was.  Huh, thank you to Robert R. at  Bluehost for going WAY above and beyond and spending over an hour fixing it while I panicked at the 404 error I somehow caused!!  If you don’t use Bluehost you really should!  Their customer service is phenomenal and their hosting plans are affordable.

So, I’m sure you’re all wondering what I’ve been up to.  It’s a really long story so I am going to ATTEMPT to drastically shorten it (we all know how well I do with that)…

July – we moved out of our rental because they refused to fix the constantly leaking water and I was sick of cleaning it up and even more sick of paying them really good money to live in a sopping wet house.  We had to stay with my parents as we forfeited the deposits by breaking the lease but it was WELL worth it.

Early August – Early October I got super, super, super sick (in early August).  It started as Pneumonia and didn’t want to go away.  I spent all of the time we lived with my parents, quite ill.  Thankfully my grandma is amazingly wonderful and she came to help my mom and I because I was too sick to do anything with my kids and my mom’s back just won’t allow her to help me as she’d like.  By October I’d had 9 chest X-Rays, 3 ER visits, two CT scans, and was seeing a Pulmonologist who ordered a bronchoscopy that he then proceeded to completely ignore.  We found a house to rent and moved in.  It flooded the day we moved in.  This is how things go around here.  I would have cried but I couldn’t breathe yet.  It took all I had to get out of bed to get my kids to and from school.

Mid October – Mid December our new Pulmonologist started here and disagreed with everything the other Pulmonologist said and did.  He put me on oxygen full time.  My “friends” ignored me as did the bulk of my family.  My grandma went home.  I broke every rib I have on both sides.  The original ribs broken on the left hurt so bad I didn’t know I had broken ribs on the right.  When the new Pulmonologist cancelled an appointment with me on a day I blew multiple ribs and then told the ER doctor to send me  home to see him on Monday and THEN on Monday came in, looked at me (after having ordered a bunch of tests and placing me on oxygen full time) and asked me “so what am I seeing you for today?”.  I gave up.  He then told me I had 39% lung function and COPD and if I was lucky I might get to 50% before I started to deteriorate with age until I was on a ventilator once a year in ICU.  Ummm… no.  So I went to my Primary Care Physician who’d spent a lot of the Summer out of town so wasn’t here for all of this and begged him for help.  He referred me to National Jewish in Denver.

December – Mid January I waited to see if National Jewish would see me.  Right before Christmas I got the call that they would see me at the end of January!!  I was still unable to travel for Joey’s hockey and had very little oxygen and continued to break ribs, but I had some hope for the first time in months.  I was starting to leave the house more, but it was a hassle with the oxygen and one hockey game meant I was too exhausted to even move for the next three days.  As moms do, I kept getting out of bed, getting the kids to school and from school, and that’s literally about all I did.  If they weren’t here I slept and I gained a ton of weight thanks to the steroids the doctors here swore were the answer.  But I had hope that I was going to get help in Denver.

Late January – Now I have been to Denver twice.  The first time I was at 51% lung function, found out about the multiple broken ribs, found out they were broken because my Vitamin D was 4000 units low thanks to the steroids, and found out I did NOT have COPD but rather had at one time a very nasty Pneumonia most likely caused by aspirating stomach acid that caused irreversible damage to my throat, small and large airways, and both lungs and thus caused a severe Asthma & “Lung Disease” which is a pretty term for “you screwed up your respiratory system”.  The doctors at National Jewish do NOT give up.  There is always hope.  I would never be 100% but I would not linger at 39% lung function at 34 either.  Our goal was 75%.  My follow up was the week after Easter and I am at 71%.  4% from our goal and improving every day, off of oxygen all but at night, I have dodged the very serious Osteoporosis bullet for now and just have to keep getting my Vitamin D up, my ribs have mostly healed.  I DO NOT have COPD and I will live a mostly full life and continue to improve.  They can not fix my stomach but they can give me medications to help keep the acid down and further damage to a minimum, I am taking off the insane amount of weight the steroids put on me (although the speed at which it comes off is an entirely different post), and I am cautiously hopeful.

One thing I can say is until April I was really good mentally.  Better than I’ve been since the fire actually.  I remained positive and pushed forward no matter what the doctors said, no matter the friends who dropped like flies, no matter the rumors I heard about me, no matter the things said to my children, my husband, myself.  April was a bit tougher.  First of all, I have started to reflect on all that happened these past months.  Who was there?  Who wasn’t there?  That’s a very sad question to answer.  The people I thought were my friends are not, they did not care that I was sick and in fact at least one even felt I was faking it.  I believe many believe this.  That’s their choice, but a real friend (as a real friend pointed out to me) wouldn’t have ever considered that.  I’ve also realized just where I stand with a large portion of my family.  That was harder than the friends by far.  I also had high hopes that after our visit in April they would find a fixable problem with my stomach to stop the acid, they didn’t.  I wanted a magic bullet to ensure no more damage and I didn’t get one.  That sucks.  Presently I am fighting allergies that I have to fight without the help of the shots I usually get because I can’t have any steroids, can’t risk my bones for my lungs.  It’s something I will have to balance until my Vitamin D comes up significantly.  It’s not a fun thing to balance.  I am getting there.  I am OK.  I am tired and I am sad.  I am alone outside of a select few people I have learned can be counted on outside of my own home.  That’s OK.  It’s been harder to keep the brave face when my kids see that WE are alone outside of our household and a select few people.  I am trying to teach them quality vs. quantity.  I think to teach them that. I have to truly come to grips with it myself.  I know Joe does.  I am not doing so well with it presently.  People can really suck and they can cut you deeply without ever looking back.  I have never been that type of person.  I am becoming that type of person and I don’t like that either.  I am seeking a balance.  I have decided I can’t find it at home 8 hours a day while the kids are in school or home with the kids this Summer so I applied for a job.  I think I will like the job and hope my health holds and I can handle it (oh, I also sincerely hope I GET the job because I haven’t gotten the offer yet but am hopeful as that’s my new mantra).  Two doctors have suggested I can’t and two have not said anything, I am going to make it work just as I wouldn’t accept one doctor’s death sentence I am not going to accept that I can’t do something I want to do at this point.  I am tired of sitting around by myself wallowing in the fact that I  had poor choice in friends or that they had the bad sense to throw me away because I’m a pretty damn phenomenal person and friend.  I am tired or sitting around wallowing in the fact I get tired after 15 minutes on the treadmill or elliptical.  I am telling myself that’s 15 minutes more than I could do in many months but I need more so I am reaching out in other directions.  I am healing, but I may have to seek chemical help for my depression for the first time in a long time and I am not handling that well.  I figure in the end it’s probably a big deal that it’s taken this long to get to this point, but damn I’m mad I’m here anyway.  I don’t know if any of the things above could have been avoided and I don’t know that it wasn’t necessary for each of them to come at us, but to go back on meds is not thrilling me.  My goal at this point is to make it the shortest term chemical intervention I’ve ever needed.  I figure if I can hang on through all I’ve been through in the past few months I can at least do that.  Right?  I’ve come a long way but I have a long way left to travel.  Life is never going to just be a smooth path for any of us, we must choose how we navigate that path and who we allow to navigate that path with us.  Realizing that’s our choice to make is something I have found to be not as much fun, but very necessary none the less.

Tags: Asthma, COPD, depression, Fire, Life, Lung Disease, PTSD, Surviving